The Force Behind the Nature

As I sit here in my dimly lit livingroom, it's taking me a little while to compose my thoughts.  So many things are whirling around my head, like what happened this weekend, or the things I should do tomorrow, or the infernal rattling sound coming from somewhere in this room.  It takes me awhile to think about something other than things I need to think about.  Give me a few minutes, though, and thoughts generally start to file together.  It's so funny, you know, when I was 16 the words were practically spilling off the pages of my journal.  Now it takes me a little longer.  I guess when you're 16 drama comes a little more freely.  Now, when I have a few moments to breathe, and I'm not trying to stuff in a sorely needed workout into my day, it's harder to find something to say to an anonymous audience.  But I guess that's the point, if you don't use it, you lose it.  So maybe the more I write, the more there will be to say.

As I mentioned in my first blog, I aspire to be a photographer.  I'm a photographer wannabe.  I'm trying, I'm reading the articles, I'm getting some of the equipment.  I don't have the really ooh-la-la camera yet, but let's face it, I don't even know all the functions of my current camera, so I don't think I'm ready for the DSLR just yet.  And neither is my bank account.  What draws me to photography is  not just plain old snapshots, although they make great memories, but being able to capture something special.  Something unique.  I think that's why I love taking pictures of people.  People are always unique!  There's the challenge of trying to capture how they feel, what they're thinking, who they are..the stuff they think they're hiding and yet inadvertantly let peek out when they think no one is looking.  Like that extra goofy laugh.  Or "that look" that is cast from the lovestruck eyes of newlyweds.  Or the quiet knowing pride of parents with their children. And yet not make them feel like their posing.  To me, an overly orchestrated pose is too cold, too mechanical.  It says "cheese! this is my plastic face with a distorted and uncomfortable smile that is about to fall off. Oh and these are the perfectly groomed children I rented"  Granted, I myself do not have extensive experience in this field, in fact I'm about one level above "Digital photography for Dummies".  But I do know that the photographers I admire the most, have the ability to freeze-frame a totally candid situation and transform it into a beautiful work of art.  That is my goal.  My aspiration.

Which leads me to this...my total lack of confidence that I can ever dream of achieving that.  And I probably would have given up even before I started if it wasn't for one person.  The person that always believes I can do anything I set my mind to.  The one who is willing to set aside his own pursuits to help me pursue my desires.  The one who would spend whatever it took to get me started in whatever it is I wanted to do (although I would never let him).  The one who works so hard every day for our family and never quits.  My provider, my protector, my best and most honest critic, my truest friend and love for all eternity...my husband.  Without him gently pushing me, I doubt I would even try.  It is his confidence in me that motivates me, not my own.  It's his realism and balance that keeps me from taking things too far.  You know, from practically the moment we met, 10 1/2 years ago, he loved to challenge me.  He would look at me with a spark in his eye and almost dare me to try something I was petrified of.  I was only 19 when we met, and he was 21. He changed my life forever.   And that's no cliché.

So, honey, this blog's for you.  ;)